For the Sake of My Beloved
by Sirius123
Summary: One shot. Elissa Cousland looks back on her life. At Landsmeet, she is forced to make a terrible choice- spare the man she called hero or side with the man she loves. Slight Alistair/F!Cousland


**Don't you think that the Human Noble would have t least met Loghain once? I mean, with the whole 'being the Teryn Cousland's second kid' would kinda entitle he/she to at least one meeting. So, this idea came up. My Human Noble, Elissa (because I'm sooooo original) thinks of her life before the Grey Wardens. At Landsmeet, she is faced with a choice- destroy the man she called her Hero, or betray the man she loves.**

**Just something I typed out. Took my about fifteen minutes. And no beta. So, try to enjoy my brain splurge.**

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Before I joined the Grey Wardens, I suffered from the worse fate imaginable. A fate worse then death, worse then torture. I suffered the betrayal of someone I trusted.

I grew up as a Cousland, the second child of an ancient and powerful bloodline. We were there with King Calenhad the Great. We fought to defend our lands in the last Blight. We defended Ferelden against the Orlesians with the Rebel Queen and King Maric the Savior. We were the most powerful and respected families in Ferelden. We only answered to the King. And you know what? We were happy. Our people were happy. We never fluanted oou power. We just wanted to live in peace. And we did, for a long, long time. Father ruled our lands fairly, with our Mother at his his side. He taught Fergus and I to be kind rulers, how to treat tohers with respect and give forgiveness where forgiveness is due.

Father, forgive me, for it seems I may have forgotten that lesson.

I forgot that lesson of forgiveness and kindness when Arl Howe- a man I trusted, a man my father loved- betrayed my parents. That lesson was forgotten as I looked at the bodies of Oriana and Oren, my sister and my little nephew. As I watched Howe's men kill our loyal guards, as I watched Ser Gilmore, my beloved friend, risk his life to defend my own. I watched my father bleed on the floor and I watched as Duncan dragged me away, to protect me, to make me one of them. A Grey Warden.

I wanted to hate Duncan for what he did. To take me away from my parents, to let them die at the hands of that traitor. Dammit! I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't! He was so much like Father that I just... He grew on me. He took the place of my Father. I know, it's a terrible thing to say, replacing your own Father, but... I was so desperate to find some type of relief in this madness, I did. A part of me was glad to be by Duncan's side, proud to be defending Ferelden against the Blight as a Grey Warden. Another part was digusted by the mere thought that I was still alive when I should have died.

Just when it seemed that I have found another family, a place to belong, it was all lost. Lost to antoher man that I had trusted. The Hero of River Dane- that damned coward! I thought I knew him. I thought, out of all people, I could trust him. A man who was there when I grew up. A man who saved Fereldan, a man who the King and my own family had trusted. A man I looked up to and idolized. Loghain. Traitor.

I had lost everything. I had lost my Mother and Father. Fergus was probably dead. Duncan was betrayed, dead on the battlefields of Ostagar. I was the only one left. It was me and... And him. And he was useless. It was just me. I was the only one who could stand against the Blight. And I would stand. I would stand and fight and avenge their deaths. And then I would die. There would be nothing left for me. And I would die.

But, damn him. Damn him and and his sad eyes and his stupid jokes and his compassion and love and... Damn him! I had created the perfect mask, the perect cover! I wasn't ging to let anyone get near me again. No emotions, let them hate me, so they couldn't get close and I couldn't lose them and cry and feel pain. But he wouldn't stop. He would always poke fun at me and laugh and try to make me smile, and it always worked! I couldn't understand why he tried so hard. Why he cared so much. And as was trying to figure it out, it happened. And I fell. Hard.

I couldn't help it. Everything about him disgusted me. But, at the same time, I found myself falling hopelessly in love with him. And when he told me he loved me, I felt joy for the first time since Howe betrayed me. He was no longer useless. He was no longer annoying and obnoxious and stupid. He was... Him. My shield. My sword. My wings. My beloved. I would do anything for him. I would be whatever this land needed to be by his side.

Perhaps I should not have thought tht. Perhaps I should have just let him go. Now, standing before Landsmeet, I am tested. I must make a choice. A terrible choice. I have already stained my blade with the blood of Arl Howe. With the blood of my cold vengeance and hate. I have avenged Mtoher and Father and Oriana and Oren and Ser Gilmore. Now is my chance to fulfill my promise to Duncan. To avenge his death. To make things right. I only need to kill him. Kill Loghain and avenge all the ones he left at Ostagar. Finish it...

Maker! Even afer all he has done to me, to my family, to Ferelden, to me beoved, I can only remember all the good times! All the stories of him, the laughter, the joy. I can only remember meeting him as a child, his strong face, his gruff voice, his dry humor. I want to hate him. I want to be ale to kill him. I want... I want to forget my childhood, my hero. I want to be able to take his head off of his damned body. I hesitate. I can hear him. Mkae it quick. Finish it. I grip my sword. I cannot...

I hear anger. I hear pain. What are you doing? You aren't planning on sparing him, are you? After all he's done? He killed Duncan. He killd our brothers and sisters. You're going to let him get away with it? I know he is in pain. He thinks I've betrayed him. He thinks that I will spare him. I want o spare hi. I want to. I want him to die. I want him to-

Make it quick. Finish him. Hurry and do it. Don't let him get away ith this. He killed them. He told me stories of great deeds and beautiful maidens. He left Duncan to die. He and my father led troops against the Orlesians. He betrayed my family. He was there. He was there. Kill him. Don't let him live. Do it. Do it! Do it! Do it!

Blood. There is so much blood. It's warm and sticky and smells and I want to throw up, but I can't. I want to cry but the tears won'ts fall. I want to scream and scream but I can't find my voice. A thud. He falls. He is dead. And I am here. I drop the blade. I can't think. What have I done? Avenged Duncan. Killed my hero. Made right all the wrongs he has done. Killed my father's friend. He is dead. He is dead. He is...

Accusing eyes. She's glaring at me. What have you done? You promised tospare him. Liar. Liar. Traitor. She doesn't say it. I know she is thinking it. I am no better then him or Howe or any of these people. I am a murderer. I am a traitor. I... I... I...!

I can't think. I make him king. I offer to be his queen. I can't think. He says yes. We are ready to march. It is over. He is king, I am queen, he is dead, and it's over. Only the Blight is left. Only the Darkspawn and the... I can't think.

He leave. It is over and I can't think. I go to my room. I want to cry, I wantto cry so much. My throat hurts and my eyes sting but the tears won't come. Only guilt and hurt and greif. And loss. I want to cry...

Arms. Two strong arms wrap around my waist and I know I am not alone. He rests his head on my shoulder. He tells me he is sorry. He tells me that he didn't want to see me sad. That he wants me to laugh like I used to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I want to tell him that I would never forgive him, but I can't. I only grip his arms and nod my head and finally the tears come and I cry. For what is there left for me to do? I can only cry in his arms and pray to the Maker that I no longer believe in.

For the sake of my beloved, I have bcomea monster. For the ske of my beloved, I have destroyed my old life. For the sake of my beloved, I will die. Because I love him. I love hi, and he s all that I have left, and all that I want. I love him. Everything I am- my life, my death- is his. Because I love him.

Because he is mine. Because I am his.

Everything is for his sake.

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